


Things You Said

by strawberrycigarette



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anger, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Break Up, Diary/Journal, Drunken Confessions, Drunkenness, Eventual Smut, Gay, M/M, Male Friendship, Male Homosexuality, Male-Female Friendship, POV First Person, POV Jean Kirstein, Porn With Plot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-19
Updated: 2015-03-20
Packaged: 2018-03-18 13:32:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3571463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberrycigarette/pseuds/strawberrycigarette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean is crushed by the recent break up of him and Eren. When faced with the feat of getting over it, his best friend Marco suggests he write a journal with the things said that Jean needs to accept. What will happen when Jean leaves the journal in the cafe that him and his ex-lover always visited?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue: Things You Said With No Space Between Us

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Missnope](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missnope/gifts).



> [ hiya. this is your author speaking. this fic will probably be incredibly lame but it’s pretty much just for a few friends. i also don’t know how often i’ll be updating, because i have some stuff going on but i’ll try to write a few chapters at a time, maybe? if you enjoyed, leave a comment please. ]

**[ my inspiration for this fic was[this post](http://xfactorera.tumblr.com/post/110395333021/send-me-a-ship-and-one-of-these-and-ill-write-a). ]**

(Disclaimer: I do not own Attack on Titan or any of the characters.)

_2/27/15_

_In the humid air of our bedroom, I remember us being so close. We were a mess of fingers and arms and nervous glances. Usually after we fucked I would slide out from under our sheets to grab new ones and take a quick shower with you and then we would watch Netflix or nap. This time was different, though._

_It was late, the kind of late where you don’t hear the cars buzzing by sleepily on the roads near our downtown apartment. We were both hot. Our limbs were sweaty and wrapped together like a gift. Neither of us minded, though. It was like we were made to fit one another in that moment. The lights dim, our breathing slowing down, the scent of skin on skin and perspiration and the sensation of your gentle but sloppy kisses on my mouth and collarbones._

_“Jean, can I tell you something silly?” You whispered quietly in my ear. I could feel how close your mouth was to me._

_“Yeah,” I replied without a hint of hesitation._

_“This is, so… enough. I love you. I never want to stop having moments like this. I want to disgust our kids with how in love we are.” The words flowed so easily from your lips, like you’d written and rewritten them a thousand times before telling me._

_I couldn’t even think of anything that would express how much you made my stomach flip even though we’d been dating for months at that point. I just pressed my lips against yours instead of stumbling over my words. They were a little swollen from our previous kisses, but this one was full of words that wouldn’t make it past our lips. Instead we pushed them together and hoped our synchronized mouths would write the paragraphs instead._

_There was nothing between us that night. What happened? Was it the way I got a little nervous when we went on dates? Was it the night I came home too drunk? Did I love you too much? Did you love me not enough?_

_Fuck, Eren._

-

I shut my journal, a little embarrassed. Marco told me it would be a good idea to vent through a notebook or whatever. Not like anyone else would ever read it except me, but I still felt like someone was going to glance over my shoulders and laugh at me.

I clicked my pen without much of a set rhythm.  Reliving that memory made my chest tighten a little, especially since I was in the very room it occurred. I spun around in my desk chair, looking around the room and trying to ignore the fire in my heart that stirring up these memories gave me.

Almost everything was the same except the absence of Eren and his possessions. His phone charger gone from its spot underneath the nightstand, his day clothes no longer bunched up on the floor near his side of the bed, the blank spots in the closet where his shoes used to be lined up, and most prominently, the absence of his arms around me. I wanted to throw up thinking about this, even though it had been a month and I should have been over this with a sleeve of Thin Mints, a few sad songs, and a shower.

I walked away from the desk and over to the balcony with the sliding glass door, journal in hand. Once I was outside in the cloudy late night humidity, I had this urge to chuck the journal as far as I could. Maybe Marco was wrong. Maybe if I just suppressed my feelings and picked up another bad habit, this would float away like autumn leaves.

Break-ups are messy. Messier than accidental sex before you have to be somewhere, messier than burning the pancakes because your boyfriend won’t stop tickling you, messier than when you get caught in the rain without an umbrella and end up soaking the fabric in your car. It’s messy, and sad, and definitely not beautiful or meaningful like people want to pretend it is. It burns a fire in your stomach and the smoke chokes your throat and there isn’t anything left to do but pick up your pieces and hope it gets better.

I lowered my arm that held the journal. If only avoiding this was as easy as throwing this into the parking lot across from the backyard. I walked back inside after I lost the incredibly dumb idea to toss the notebook and sat down on the bed. I was both glad and upset that the sheets no longer smelled like him. If they did, I would be so lonely I would never get to the fitful unconsciousness that was my usual sleep. If they didn't, I would know that he lied when he said he wanted to have those memories because he’d be gone long enough for the cologne and rain and sweat smell he carried to vanish from everything he touched.


	2. Things You Said When We Were on Top of the World

 (Disclaimer: I do not own Attack on Titan or any of the characters.)

_2/28/15_

_I will never forget the night we climbed to the roof of our little apartment building and talked too late for us both having work in the morning. We were on top of our little kingdom we made for ourselves. We’d been dating a few months and had just moved in. Like the three year olds we are, we decided it was an excellent idea to get sit on the roof like the movies do. It was a lot less comfortable than the movies liked to pretend, but it was also so much more intimate than you would think._

_The night was cool and clear, the constellations telling us stories. All we had to do was connect the dots._

_“This is such a dumb idea,” You grumbled with that dumb smile of yours._

_“Yeah, but you followed me up here, dumbass.” I retorted._

_You just shook your head at me and I swear my heart rate jumped 50 beats. You still made me nervous after around seven months of dating. You still do._

_I don’t even remember all of the conversations we had. I think we were a tad more than slightly drunk. There is a slight recollection of me almost kicking you off the damn roof when you started quoting Star Trek at me, and you holding my hand for so long that they got sweaty, even in the cool breeze of the very early morning. Though, when the adventure was winding down, and we were less intoxicated, you got so serious._

_“Have I ever told you how much I like your eyes?” You questioned me. A light breeze tousled your already messy brown hair and your glance made me feel like an 8 th grader falling in “love” for the first time. _

_“They’re like those amber fossils they find. They’re timeless. I love it. I don’t even really know why.”_

_“That’s so cheesy.” I grinned at you, and you smiled back at me with that sly glint in your eye and I swear, there’s no one else that will ever make me feel that way._

_“You could thank me, asshole.” You nudged at my ribs with your elbow._

_I pressed a kiss to your left cheek and leaned on your shoulder, staring at the endless 3:00 am sky with you by my side. I felt invincible that night._ We _felt invincible. There wasn’t anyone or anything that could destroy us. I loved you so much that night. I can’t stop loving you._

-

I stared at the words I had just poured from my heart.  I felt like such a dumbass, not to mention incredibly alone.

I pulled out my phone and sent a text to Marco.

“ _are you awake?”_

A few minutes later, a buzz indicated he replied.

“ _Yeah, are you alright?”_

I wasn’t sure how to reply.

_“i dont know.”_

Another buzz.

“ _That’s okay. Have you been writing?”_

“ _yeah.”_ I typed.

“ _Is it helping?”_  

“ _i dont know yet.”_ I sent. “ _sorry for probably waking you up. i cant stop thinking. im on the roof because my room feels so wrong.”_

“ _It’s going to be okay. Don’t worry about waking me up. I’m worried, after all.”_

“ _no, dont. im sorry. go to bed, marco”_

_“Not until you’re okay.”_

_“im fine, i promise. you know how i get. you have work, get to bed.”_

_“At least meet me for lunch or something. 11:30 at The Frame?”_

_“ok.”_

_“Goodnight, Jean.”_

_“night. sorry.”_

I locked my phone and set it in my lap. Maybe writing about the things that Eren has said to me, whether they make me happy or sad was a tragic mistake. Maybe I shouldn’t be stirring up these feelings. Maybe I need therapy. Or possibly, I just needed to get to sleep. It was almost 2:00 in the morning and, after all, I had a lunch to be at tomorrow.

I sort of regretted saying yes, but I did need to get out of the house. I had these mood swings, where I would punch a hole in the drywall of the closet and a little while later I couldn’t find the energy to go to the Laundromat because all my clothes were dirty despite me not leaving the house the entire weekend.

I glanced up at the nearly full moon. It was hard to believe it was the same moon that Eren and I stared at when we ruled our little kingdom. Everything in my life had been turned upside down and yet, the moon waxed and waned like it always had.

With a heavy sigh and a lot of cussing, I made it back down off the roof and into my empty room. I don’t know why I was so masochistic; always having to relive the exact spots where the events occurred. I suppose that was just a special trait of mine.

I ended up falling asleep on the couch with the blanket Eren always used when we played Mario Kart and Call of Cuty because the bedroom was just too cold and empty for me to sleep in comfortably, if at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ sooo I hope you guys like this. i struggled to write this bc i didn't feel super inspired but hopefully it came out alright? anyway, please enjoy! kudos and comment if you liked it ❤ ]


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